Prayers Answered

My soul is a sacred womb and my imagination is the fertile ground where all my dream seeds are lovingly planted... I am a lush garden overgrown with ancient trees, sweet and juicy fallen fruit, tangled roots, fragrant blossoms and enchanting bird song. Truly, I am my own sanctuary. Yet, my inner gardener has foolishly fallen into the depths of a hidden well, and sadly all the hopeful seedlings planted months ago lay neglected.

Fragile by Amber Mehresh 

Do you know the struggle to keep head above water, the clawing to reach higher ground, the clamoring of inner voices which endlessly echo in the darkness? Then you know how exhausting it is; how frightening it is to lose your footing and the great effort required just to hold on to hope...

A certain sadness and frustration torments the situation in knowing that beauty sits languidly among the strong branches and rests peacefully upon the mossy stone where the light and dark of the moon can kiss her face, yet she sees and hears me not; and therefore cannot assist in my liberation...

Sleeping Woman by Domenico Fetti

I wrote those words on the 2nd of May, this year...
How strange now, looking back, knowing all that has since transpired.

When you are in the darkness, unable to see clearly, you simply don't realize that 'beauty' is indeed, hearing your cries for help, your desperation, your silent tears, She is conspiring with the energies of the void to assist you. She is making magick within the darkness that you can't yet see.

This is the truth as I now know it to be. When I wrote those words, I was tormented daily by the man I shared my life and bed with for eight years. Secretly, silently, I was begging the Goddess to hear my pleas and to please help me. (I'll confess to you, darling one, I was so desperate for a way out, that I would ask Her to 'please not let him come home'! That's how frantic I was to escape, but didn't know how to on my own....)

Finding this draft awaiting my completion tonight, I am in awe how attentive the Goddess truly is. On the 26th of May - just twenty four days later, not even a full moon cycle, my prayers were answered. Oh, not in the way I had envisioned, nor in the way I wanted, but she did! After that night, he never came home. She made a way where he wasn't even legally allowed to! I have not spoken a word to him since that night!

Now, I live nearly one hundred miles away, nestled in the mountains that my soul calls home, with my soul sistar, surrounded by beauty and overflowing with creative ideas and a deep, profoundly deep even, sense of peace. I am free!

The fear that kept me bound for so long was that I couldn't make it on my own... I sacrificed so much; the cost too great for the fearful belief that I wouldn't be able to support myself financially.

What I find amazingly fascinating and ironic about this fear, is, this fear still sits within me. I traded so much of myself for the monetary support he provided, yet, here I am with this same fear! I still haven't completely figured this one out... I hear the Goddess saying: oh, darling, foolish girl, didn't you know? Didn't you know, daughter, that fears aren't abated by sacrificing who you are? 

I didn't. But, I do now. So, here I am. In this place of new beginnings. (and for those who have been with me a couple of years, perhaps you remember the animal totem that chose me two years ago was Eagle. She built a nest at the end of my street and would come fish for food in the lake behind my home) in this new home entitled "The Eagles Nest"!

In this holy place of unknown unfolding. I have been freed from the deep well of sadness. I am free from the constant oppression, worry and stress. I am free of the energetically heavyweight that held me back, held me down, denied the truth of who I am, attempted to destroy who I am and what I create, even! I am free!

While sharing my story with you, I heard the Goddess speak that my lesson is: Stop relying on a man to give to you the things you deserve to have with or without him: freedom, home, shelter, nourishment, comfort, protection, peace, beauty, love.

These are the things that I require, and so I must have them. There is no need to beg; no need to fear. Yet, somehow, in the deep recesses of my mind, I still do. Why? I trust the universe, why don't I trust myself ?


I am asking myself the hard questions:

• How do I learn to trust myself after betraying myself over and over again?
• What steps can I take so that I never again give my power away?
• What can I do to convince myself that I am capable of supporting myself on every level?
• How do I take an even bigger leap of faith, and open myself up to receiving what I need with ease, with joy, with belief that I am truly deserving and worthy to receive and have what I need?

I am listening for inner guidance. I am answering my own questions:

• How do I learn to trust myself after betraying myself over and over again? By being honest and accountable to myself. By having compassion for my self. By choosing to trust and believe in my strengths, my love, my beauty, my wisdom, without validation or a magick mirror.
• What steps can I take so that I never again give my power away? Follow my own authentic desires. Make a commitment to be my own strong, gentle lover. To not enter into another relationship until I regain my power, until I learn to wield it and know its true worth. 
• What can I do to convince myself that I am capable of supporting myself on every level? Find my place of balance. Reclaim my center. Believe in my self. Take the position of being my own authority of what I need and what is best for me. Assign myself the task of caring for myself on every level; which means attending to, being responsible for and attentively responding to the needs of my mind, body and spirit on a moment to moment, daily basis. Make choices that are in alignment with my highest good. Trust that 'I got this'!
• How do I take an even bigger leap of faith, and open myself up to receiving what I need with ease, with joy, with belief that I am truly deserving and worthy to have what I need? By surrendering to the unknown. By trusting in She Who Hears My Silent Pleas. By knowing and remembering when I forget, that I am a reflection of the Goddess, and as her daughter it is my birthright to have my needs met, and more than just needs even, but to lavish myself with what is needful so that I can do more than survive, so I may thrive! 

In claiming this for myself, I claim it for all women. In standing in my power, I stand for all women!

Eos, Goddess of the Dawn by violscraper 

I am on my own now. I am working hard sharing my truth, my wisdom, my craft and creations while trusting that it is enough, that I am enough... that the energetic flow of all that I give away joyfully and with a heart of gratitude will flow back to me in like manner.

With this written, know that I still am struggling through the unknown. I do not know where the money will come from to pay my one bill and next months rent. But, I am trusting. As an act of faith, earlier this month I ordered personalized checks from an online company, which I designed myself!

I created a collage image that spoke to me symbolically, of my worth, of my trust, of my gratitude.

The image is of a woman (me), open and free. Her hair is blowing wildly in the wind (I am unbound). She has an owl on her shoulder whispering wisdom, lest she forget. She stands in the center of a lush, green garden where roses blossom profusely. They grace her life with their beauty, their fragrance, their high vibration, and their eternal love. They are reminding her that she, too, is a flower (my soul sistars call me Petal), and that she needs loving care, a firm foundation on which to stand, space to spread her roots (and petals), fresh air, nourishment and the warmth of kind sunshine to grow and bloom fearlessly, so that she can share her beauty with the world.

I was overjoyed when they arrived today! Yet, I didn't realize until this very instant, that I created the words I wrote: I am a lush garden. Here's a photograph, along with the fortune cookie message I received yesterday: You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.

As you will notice, I wrote the first one out to myself for 21,000,000.oo. That's right, twenty-one MILLION dollars. Why that number? Because I'm a 21 girl (birth) and that is an unfathomable amount of money to me. Enough to live my life as I desire. Enough to share and create and travel and leave a legacy for my precious ones. It is a symbolic message to myself that I am WORTHY.

I also wrote an affirmation on the check, as well. A secret message to the Universe, that I am trusting.

Affirmation:

I spend fearlessly and joyfully because money comes to me effortlessly. May we all be blessed abundantly.

This is my experience, my truth. If it resonates with you, I hope that you will open to the possibilities within your own life. That you will pay attention and listen. That you will be grateful for all that you are given, knowing that it is in answer to an unspoken prayer. I hope that you will keep believing that you are being heard, that you are loved. That you will trust that you are capable of living your own life as you see fit. That you are worthy of all you desire. You are, I promise!

Even unwanted experiences offer unexpected gifts and beautiful blessings.