Prayers Answered

My soul is a sacred womb and my imagination is the fertile ground where all my dream seeds are lovingly planted... I am a lush garden overgrown with ancient trees, sweet and juicy fallen fruit, tangled roots, fragrant blossoms and enchanting bird song. Truly, I am my own sanctuary. Yet, my inner gardener has foolishly fallen into the depths of a hidden well, and sadly all the hopeful seedlings planted months ago lay neglected.

Fragile by Amber Mehresh 

Do you know the struggle to keep head above water, the clawing to reach higher ground, the clamoring of inner voices which endlessly echo in the darkness? Then you know how exhausting it is; how frightening it is to lose your footing and the great effort required just to hold on to hope...

A certain sadness and frustration torments the situation in knowing that beauty sits languidly among the strong branches and rests peacefully upon the mossy stone where the light and dark of the moon can kiss her face, yet she sees and hears me not; and therefore cannot assist in my liberation...

Sleeping Woman by Domenico Fetti

I wrote those words on the 2nd of May, this year...
How strange now, looking back, knowing all that has since transpired.

When you are in the darkness, unable to see clearly, you simply don't realize that 'beauty' is indeed, hearing your cries for help, your desperation, your silent tears, She is conspiring with the energies of the void to assist you. She is making magick within the darkness that you can't yet see.

This is the truth as I now know it to be. When I wrote those words, I was tormented daily by the man I shared my life and bed with for eight years. Secretly, silently, I was begging the Goddess to hear my pleas and to please help me. (I'll confess to you, darling one, I was so desperate for a way out, that I would ask Her to 'please not let him come home'! That's how frantic I was to escape, but didn't know how to on my own....)

Finding this draft awaiting my completion tonight, I am in awe how attentive the Goddess truly is. On the 26th of May - just twenty four days later, not even a full moon cycle, my prayers were answered. Oh, not in the way I had envisioned, nor in the way I wanted, but she did! After that night, he never came home. She made a way where he wasn't even legally allowed to! I have not spoken a word to him since that night!

Now, I live nearly one hundred miles away, nestled in the mountains that my soul calls home, with my soul sistar, surrounded by beauty and overflowing with creative ideas and a deep, profoundly deep even, sense of peace. I am free!

The fear that kept me bound for so long was that I couldn't make it on my own... I sacrificed so much; the cost too great for the fearful belief that I wouldn't be able to support myself financially.

What I find amazingly fascinating and ironic about this fear, is, this fear still sits within me. I traded so much of myself for the monetary support he provided, yet, here I am with this same fear! I still haven't completely figured this one out... I hear the Goddess saying: oh, darling, foolish girl, didn't you know? Didn't you know, daughter, that fears aren't abated by sacrificing who you are? 

I didn't. But, I do now. So, here I am. In this place of new beginnings. (and for those who have been with me a couple of years, perhaps you remember the animal totem that chose me two years ago was Eagle. She built a nest at the end of my street and would come fish for food in the lake behind my home) in this new home entitled "The Eagles Nest"!

In this holy place of unknown unfolding. I have been freed from the deep well of sadness. I am free from the constant oppression, worry and stress. I am free of the energetically heavyweight that held me back, held me down, denied the truth of who I am, attempted to destroy who I am and what I create, even! I am free!

While sharing my story with you, I heard the Goddess speak that my lesson is: Stop relying on a man to give to you the things you deserve to have with or without him: freedom, home, shelter, nourishment, comfort, protection, peace, beauty, love.

These are the things that I require, and so I must have them. There is no need to beg; no need to fear. Yet, somehow, in the deep recesses of my mind, I still do. Why? I trust the universe, why don't I trust myself ?


I am asking myself the hard questions:

• How do I learn to trust myself after betraying myself over and over again?
• What steps can I take so that I never again give my power away?
• What can I do to convince myself that I am capable of supporting myself on every level?
• How do I take an even bigger leap of faith, and open myself up to receiving what I need with ease, with joy, with belief that I am truly deserving and worthy to receive and have what I need?

I am listening for inner guidance. I am answering my own questions:

• How do I learn to trust myself after betraying myself over and over again? By being honest and accountable to myself. By having compassion for my self. By choosing to trust and believe in my strengths, my love, my beauty, my wisdom, without validation or a magick mirror.
• What steps can I take so that I never again give my power away? Follow my own authentic desires. Make a commitment to be my own strong, gentle lover. To not enter into another relationship until I regain my power, until I learn to wield it and know its true worth. 
• What can I do to convince myself that I am capable of supporting myself on every level? Find my place of balance. Reclaim my center. Believe in my self. Take the position of being my own authority of what I need and what is best for me. Assign myself the task of caring for myself on every level; which means attending to, being responsible for and attentively responding to the needs of my mind, body and spirit on a moment to moment, daily basis. Make choices that are in alignment with my highest good. Trust that 'I got this'!
• How do I take an even bigger leap of faith, and open myself up to receiving what I need with ease, with joy, with belief that I am truly deserving and worthy to have what I need? By surrendering to the unknown. By trusting in She Who Hears My Silent Pleas. By knowing and remembering when I forget, that I am a reflection of the Goddess, and as her daughter it is my birthright to have my needs met, and more than just needs even, but to lavish myself with what is needful so that I can do more than survive, so I may thrive! 

In claiming this for myself, I claim it for all women. In standing in my power, I stand for all women!

Eos, Goddess of the Dawn by violscraper 

I am on my own now. I am working hard sharing my truth, my wisdom, my craft and creations while trusting that it is enough, that I am enough... that the energetic flow of all that I give away joyfully and with a heart of gratitude will flow back to me in like manner.

With this written, know that I still am struggling through the unknown. I do not know where the money will come from to pay my one bill and next months rent. But, I am trusting. As an act of faith, earlier this month I ordered personalized checks from an online company, which I designed myself!

I created a collage image that spoke to me symbolically, of my worth, of my trust, of my gratitude.

The image is of a woman (me), open and free. Her hair is blowing wildly in the wind (I am unbound). She has an owl on her shoulder whispering wisdom, lest she forget. She stands in the center of a lush, green garden where roses blossom profusely. They grace her life with their beauty, their fragrance, their high vibration, and their eternal love. They are reminding her that she, too, is a flower (my soul sistars call me Petal), and that she needs loving care, a firm foundation on which to stand, space to spread her roots (and petals), fresh air, nourishment and the warmth of kind sunshine to grow and bloom fearlessly, so that she can share her beauty with the world.

I was overjoyed when they arrived today! Yet, I didn't realize until this very instant, that I created the words I wrote: I am a lush garden. Here's a photograph, along with the fortune cookie message I received yesterday: You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.

As you will notice, I wrote the first one out to myself for 21,000,000.oo. That's right, twenty-one MILLION dollars. Why that number? Because I'm a 21 girl (birth) and that is an unfathomable amount of money to me. Enough to live my life as I desire. Enough to share and create and travel and leave a legacy for my precious ones. It is a symbolic message to myself that I am WORTHY.

I also wrote an affirmation on the check, as well. A secret message to the Universe, that I am trusting.

Affirmation:

I spend fearlessly and joyfully because money comes to me effortlessly. May we all be blessed abundantly.

This is my experience, my truth. If it resonates with you, I hope that you will open to the possibilities within your own life. That you will pay attention and listen. That you will be grateful for all that you are given, knowing that it is in answer to an unspoken prayer. I hope that you will keep believing that you are being heard, that you are loved. That you will trust that you are capable of living your own life as you see fit. That you are worthy of all you desire. You are, I promise!

Even unwanted experiences offer unexpected gifts and beautiful blessings.

Illness, Dragons, Death, Gifts and Blessings

When Lisbeth (She Who Is) arrived on New Years Eve, I knew she had just 
three days before come down with an exhausting bout of upper respiratory flu. 
That did not hinder me, I was not going to get sick, and daily, did all in my 
power to further strengthen my already strong immune system.

Yet, last Tuesday evening, while we were out picking up the amazing low 
round table I had just purchased the day before, (and still awaits me in the 
back of my Jeep), my throat began to feel scratchy. So, when we returned 
home, I took special care of my body by taking a healing bath and going to 
bed early.

My dreams were strange and circular. They spiraled and I felt off center, not 
knowing if I was awake or asleep. When I awoke I was so cold, so heavy, so 
befallen with illness that I could scarcely move. I slept almost every moment 
of those 24 hours. I simply couldn't 'wake up'... 

The following day was the same blur. I lay beneath so many layers of blankets, 
wrapped up in my thickest, warmest robe, slippers, and yet, I could not get 
warm. I have vague memories of our beloved Lisbeth attending to me: her 
strong, but gentle voice speaking words of comfort, rest — bringing healing
tea, water, Emergen-C and toast, yet I never recall taking more than a sip 
before the dark mistress of sleep stole me away again. 

Guardian Birds by Jackie Morris

Friday I awoke able to sip more and eat a bite or two of oatmeal, but my 
energy level was so low, and every simple act was such an effort that I did 
very little but listen to meaningless lines from an old movie and gaze out
the window.... Winter hues, naked branches and big empty skies mirroring 
me on so many levels. My hair was a wild, tangled web. When I got up to 
bathe, I seriously frightened myself when I saw my face in the mirror! I 
looked so gray, dull and far from even the poorest vibrant hope I had ever 
been! I stared at myself in disbelief. I napped often during the day, but still 
went to bed at 8pm. At 11pm the phone ring... it was my long time soul 
sister Sandra, but I was too sleepy to even imagine slipping from the 
warmth I found encircling me... closing my eyes again, I willingly 
disappeared into the mystery.

Saturday, I awoke feeling like a ray of light might have been dimly shining 
from my eyes, but my body was still wrapped in such a heavy shroud of 
lethargy that it was hard to know for sure. Before traversing down the stairs, 
I returned Sandra's call, only to find out that our beloved and darling little 
treasure Kalah had died. So many emotions. Too many to feel... I slept 
much of the day away. 

Kalah Selby (2 years ago; age 22) 

At death she was but a ghost of her former self.

By afternoon, the mailman delivered a most amazing package from Alaska, 
sent by one of our sistars, Lisa J. Connolly Smith! It was overflowing with 
every healing gift my body had secretly prayed for. Lisbeth opened it as I 
lay draped over a chair too weak to hold anything, except the little bag of 
a tea so pretty it reminded me of wild gathered potpourri. (Truly the most 
gorgeous tea I have ever seen). 

Lisbeth continued to open each precious and lovingly wrapped gift within 
that box. She showed me every beautiful hand-drawn flower illustration 
before she read the label of each hand crafted salve, tincture, jelly, syrup, 
and jam. It was truly delightful. Immediately afterward, I was given a small 
glass of the healing tinctures, which so reminded me of ones that I have 
made in the past that I knew they were true healers. Later, I sipped tea and 
spent well over an hour slowly brushing my hair in an attempt to restore 
some order and beauty to my neglected tresses. I imagine I was as effective 
as a three year old maiden, but my spirit granted her tenacity. Thankfully, 
later, when Lisbeth came back to check on me, she sat beside me and set 
free the final few confused strands. I braided it loosely and let them fall 
over my shoulders like my Cherokee grandmothers must have done many, 
many moons ago... 

That evening I treated all my aching places with the Poplar Bud salve with 
Devils Club root bark and instantly felt no pain! Though I no longer felt 
cold, I had a temperature of 103.7 (In that moment I knew that during those 
sleep-filled days, it must have been close to 105!) For protecting me from 
coma, brain damage or worse, I gratefully wrapped my arms around my 
body, closed my eyes and silently spoke words of love and thanksgiving to 
my beloved body for wisely leading me through the depths of the unknown 
realms and back again.) I took a homeopathic remedy (Ferum Phos) and was 
able to get it down to 102.5 before bed. Early evening, I suddenly felt four 
little itchy places on my chest. Thinking a spider must have bit me, I got up 
to look at them. That is when I discovered that I had somehow broke out in 
a patch of what felt like chicken pox, all over my chest, neck, up and down 
the length of my back, my upper right arm (inside) and my outer right thigh. 
I don't know what they are for sure, but some are like little blisters, some 
crusty little scabs and others innocent little pink dots flush with my skin - 
but they all itch like mad! Shingles? (I felt no pain).

When I awoke Sunday morning with my Rose Quartz heart in hand, I smiled 
and lay still for a while breathing in healing and exhaling love. This inspired 
me to perform a simple chakra cleanse. I held the stone to my crown chakra, 
and imagined love flowing in restoring it to perfect balance. Next, I held the 
heart stone to my third eye, throat, heart, navel, sacral and yoni; keeping it 
at each location until I felt the energies shift free and fill with love. 

Not surprisingly, I found that it wanted to be at my throat the longest. 
(Perhaps, this was in preparation/protection for the gut wrenching coughs 
that would follow.).

When I finally arose, I felt better than I had since this sickness first cast a 
veil over me and set me on fire. Throughout the day, I continued to use the 
tinctures, the salve, the tea and the homeopathic remedies, and by days end 
my temperature had steadied at 100.4 where it remained until I went to bed 
for the night. My colour improved greatly. Most likely, this was due to fully 
hydrating, as this was the first day I could drink water instead of just taking 
a few tiny sips. Though I felt weary in body, I felt perfectly normal in every 
other regard. 

Yesterday, I took the entire day to witness myself and my energy. When I 
checked my temperature it was normal! Though I still have absolutely no 
appetite, I'm choosing healthy things to take bites of. For breakfast I had a 
slice of 7 sprouted grains raisin and cinnamon toast with some of Lisa's 
Fireweed jelly (My new favorite! It also has amazing healing properties.). 
As I tore off a piece to eat, I realized it was in the shape of a dragon, so I 
set it back on the plate to contemplate, and ate the rest of it. Once I was 
finished, I noticed that some of the Fireweed jelly looked like fire from the 
dragons mouth (this must speak of the four major coughing fits I have 
experienced which took my breath away... I imagine a powerful new ability 
to speak my truth will be granted this year.).

Delighted, I consulted two of my favorite books on animals (Animal Speak 
by Ted Andrews and Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D.Farmer). 
This is the oracle message from my dragon:

Dragon:  

Guardian of Treasures (hidden wisdom)

Emerging into a new phase of my life,

where I'll be taking more risks, and being more vulnerable.

(I was assured there will be protection for both.)

&

Entering into a period of considerable prosperity.

(I can't tell you how welcome this is, as I have been scrimping by for years)

Dragon also reminded me to do more of what brings passion; 

to meditate or contemplate with regularity; 

and to carry myself with an air of dignity and regality 

(which I have been told that I do naturally...)

Inspired, I wrote down some appointments and dates for January in my new 
calendar agenda for 2015, and some creative business notes, as well. I spent 
unmeasured moments gazing out the window, with no thought, care or 
obligation in mind. It was truly a lovely day. 

By evening I was able to eat the largest portion of nourishment since this 
sickness began: an entire organic navel orange! Weak, I had some trouble 
peeling it, but once complete, I ate each juicy sweet section and felt disbelief 
when I realized I had eaten them all and didn't even feel full!

I share this tale to demonstrate that declaring a thing is powerful and good,
but ultimately we do not know what will happen. Surrendering to the dark
unknown I realized that though others may see my sickness as a time of
being curtailed and an unwelcome experience of physical trauma, pain and
death, (true, it was!), yet, it was also so much more!

It was a gift of Transformation: A new beginning. By allowing the Wise
Dark Goddess of this season to have Her way with me, I have been purged.
My daily agenda, routine and habits were abruptly taken from me, but oh,
sistar! What I received in return was abundantly more wise, beautiful,
meaningful, precious, and better than I could have imagined.

I feel as if I have been cleansed of the past and divinely prepared for what
is to come. I am so truly grateful. I feel joyful to have passed through this
experience. Though I am still exhausted physically, I know my vitality will
be fully restored. Though I have been pulled away from my community,
my work, every outward expression, I now come back with renewed passion,
inspiration and purpose. I know that the slate has been washed clean and I
am now free to begin this year as I am divinely guided.

Though my heart breaks for the loss, and for all of us who will miss Kalah,
I know that she was ready to go, and I honor her sacred choices. She
brought such beauty, magick, and wisdom into this world and to our lives,
and she will never be forgotten. I have learned that wanting someone or
something to remain as is, we deny them/it the opportunity to be divinely
transformed. We all must follow the uneasy call of transformation no
matter how scary it may be. It's the gift of wings! Just ask my dragon!

Even unwanted experiences offer unexpected gifts and beautiful blessings.